My letter to Matt.

Smoobey Smoo

Alrite Matt,

Long time no see and long time no letter

So I’d thought I’d write you a very strange one,

Do you remember that once on a boat in Scotland, you told me that the more somebody masturbates than the more emotional they are,

Does getting a teary eye count as being emotional?

If it does than Dude, fetch me a new pair of socks I must be masturbating too much.

The reason I say this is because today I was sitting by myself,

No I wasn’t meditating, masturbating, or having an out of body experience as that previous sentence implies,

“You peoples with your crazy jumping to conclusions”,

“hoyski poyski!”

Erm anyway as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by my own thoughts,

“Oi get back to Matt’s letter you swanker”

Aright aright quiet down up there,

Sorry Matt as you can read it’s a wee bit overcrowded in my brain today, what a pull over, is that the wrong word

Crikey I got to tell you mate, as well as my brain being crowded with randoms all the numbskulls are down in my stomach trying to fix up last night’s mess, so although doing sterling work in bailing out my hangover, they aren’t helping out much in my head department.

Watah I need watah or vodka I need vodka,

Anyways, I was sat on my own at the head of a wooden table, eating a pizza,
It was as Dr Ottkar pizza, Quattro Formaggi which is the only words I know how to say in Italian, incidentally talking of words we know in foreign languages,

I got a kiss of a polish girl I met in the street last week by using two polish words I learnt which I now pass on to you, use them well my friend, use them well,

Dimey Boo-Shakah...

These words means kiss me in Polish, they work if you say them out loud

You can put your own style on how you say it, and the more style you put in the more kisses you will get especially if you go to Poland, in fact if you did go to Poland I don’t think there’s any more words that you would need.

Remember for breakfast ham sandwiches, Japan is only a flight away.

Speaking of breakfast,

So this Pizza was burnt to a crisp and I didn’t bother with a knife or fork, what’s the point, or even a plate for that matter, and didn’t even cut it into easy to eat pieces, I just munched it as it was, a massive pizza which essentially is one giant easy to eat piece.

In fact after two bites I could sort of hold it in one hand, when it comes to burgers or sandwiches I’m a fan of the double handed munchers club, but holding and eating a giant pizza in one hand meant my other hand was free to randomly pick up and play with stuff,

Whilst balancing on one leg eating my pizza and looking out the window at all the passersby I realised I had put a newspaper on top of my head, so I decided to sit down at the wooden table so I could eat my pizza and have a read of the paper, what a treat,

well it was Saturday, the day of sitting, which I guess means Friday in England would be the day of the fry up, you English and you’re crazy ways I can’t wait for tomorrow because that’ll be sun day and I can kick back and catch some...

As I happily munched away, I read a review of this Only Fools and Horses prequel about Del Boys history and family life, and his poor old mum, it made me sad, because Del Boy is a really funny, happy sort of character yet his past is pretty bleak,

I could hear the sounds of birds chirping in the garden, and thinking about the juxtaposition woah that words nearly as big as the pizza I just ate of Del Boy in only fools and horses to his life growing up brought a tear to my eye, which then made me think of what you said on that boat in Scotland,

Penny lane, whoops I mean very Strange.

All the events in the above story\letter are true, apart from the fact that foolonthefootofamountain wanks too much, in fact he does that just the right amount,

although truth be told he would not argue with you if you called him a massive wanker, he might even reply cheers mate, probably because he’s not very creative when it comes to slagging matches unlike Robin Williams in Hook,

Yesssss still loving that cannon ball move. Carambolla!

Mass Respect going out to J.M Barrie;

Stephen Spielberg, Rufio-Rufio, Toodles, Peter, Tink, all the lost boys, Nana, Smee, Wendy, the crocodile, anyone else I’ve forgotten, and of course the main man Mr cannon ball himself, Thud Butt, aka Barry.

p.s four for apple fish and finger pies.