Friday, 17 August 2012
I dont know if I can help you, but id like to try.
Its good to talk about it. Especially if you can talk to a professional like a mentor/teacher or even a health care worker. These are people who have experience and that you can trust to keep everything you share confidential. It would be nice to be able to trust friends and family, and more often or not you can, but there's nothing to stop a friend or family, sharing what you tell them by accident, (or not being able to understand or be particular helpful to you) which is why chatting to a professional can be really good. Sometimes just chatting to a stranger can help too.
I think one of the first things to say is you don't have to beat yourself up about being depressed or suicidal, these thoughts, feelings, emotions, or mind set are a perfectly natural part of being human.
Id also like to share that I have been through life with periods of major depression, have often had suicidal thoughts (I still do) and have attempted to commit suicide.
Were not the same so I cant really suggest what would work for you but I can share what worked or helped me out, for starters when I was depressed about life and living on or in this world, something that would make me more depressed would be looking around and comparing my situation with other peoples, and then deciding i had no right to be feeling depressed, i would also think it was wrong to be feeling depressed which would add to my depression, when i came to the conclusion that being depressed actually meant im a human being with a the ability to feel, and think and have emotions and that depression is a totally natural part of the experience of life, i stopped seeing my depression as something that was wrong with me, or a negative thing, i saw it as positive,
Being depressed shows that im not a robot, im a living breathing person with a heart mind and feelings.
I think you probably should tell your mentor when you go back to school. I really believe these thoughts that people have should be shared and brought out into the open. Its amazing to find that a lot of people have similar problems and thoughts and this sharing of an experience can be comforting, it can also lead to further understanding about ourselves and the human condition.
I have only ever self harmed my body by stubbing out cig
on my skin
again I dont know your situation, or what is best for you, but i do see self harm like an addiction, or a drug, the way i look at life most people need something in order to get through the day feeling good about themselves or about the world and life in general,
For example if i was to stay in my room, not working, not hanging out with anyone but myself, not moving about much, not really eating well, and just thinking then going to sleep, and repeating this, i would probably end up thinking more and more negatively, and eventually start thinking more and more about suicide, i dont know how many people there are that can go through life without something, most people need something,
For some people that something is t.v,
for others it might be something creative like painting or writing,
for some it might be their work, others have a sport they like to play, or a book group, or reading, or listening to music or playing music, i class all these things as drugs,
If someone winds down or gets enjoyment from life by playing golf and seeing there golf buddies, then golf is their drug (it might not be the only drug they do) which is fair enough i dont play golf myself, but i can see that playing golf isn't going to be particular harmful to the body or mind, in fact maybe beneficial.
on the other hand someones drug of choice might be something like crack cocaine or heroin, again fair enough, but these drugs have a downside in that they can hurt the body physically and mentaly and also have negative impacts on friends and family
I sort of think self harms the same, it can be just addictive as any drug, (golf included) with ciggerete burns i enjoyed the different levels of pain, what i call waves as i pushed the stub further into my skin, the sound the smell, all apart of the experience then the feeling when i removed it, clear, a lot of people i chat to about this, don't seem to get, the sense of regret that i describe when the pain plateaus then subsides, they seem to think that the pain would be the most horrible thing and it going the best, but i always felt that the pain was the best part and when it left i was left with regret, a bit like the intense sting in the middle of a Chinese burn being the most exiting part with the most energy and then when it fades and finally is gone... oh...
then of course there is the beauty in a blister bubble, or scab or whatever, and the eventual mark, and the way the mark changes over time, there were lots of things i liked about my hobby (or drug) of stubbing out ciggies on myself,
but one day i realized it was like a drug, and one that was hurting my body, i could see it hurting my body, so i stopped,
Im lucky ive not got an addictive personality, i dabble in things, and when i feel there getting a hold over me or im dependent on them (or become addicted to them) i stop and change
You might have an addictive personality or you might not
but if you do want to or end up stopping self harming yourself, you may find it helps to be aware that you'll probably going to have to find something else to do instead, because they'll be a gap of time and also a gap in feelings to fill,
its up to you to decide if you want to stop self harming and if so what it is you replace it with, and whether the thing you replace it with is good or bad for your health,
Its a shame when our minds turn us into slaves or constantly fill our heads with negative thoughts about living and the world in general. It can be a tricky process to get out off. Dont worry, you can get out of it.
There are many ways. Some of them might work for you, some of them might not. It might take a little bit of experementing and a little bit of effort.
A great first step is sharing, talking about your thoughts with others, and seeing if they have been through something similar or have any thoughts of their own, or a different perspective.
I remember chatting to a friend, and asking so how often do you think about suicide or killing yourself, he replied that he had or does but very very rarely, like maybe once or twice in the last five years, to be honest i was a bit shocked and told him whoa, i think about it a lot, or a least i think about death a lot, and maybe killing myself like well definitely a lot more than that. But that was totally ok. It just showed how our minds worked a bit differently, and although he might not have been able to understand the way my mind worked, it was reassuring to tell him about it, and i think it was also beneficial to put him in the picture.
I definitely believe its healthier to be open about these sorts of things rather than hiding them away or keeping them a secret.
Some practical things that have worked for me, especially with depression, was getting slowly and surely more active, i began this with taking a walk to the local park everyday and sitting on a bench, i would sit until someone came and sat on the bench or a bench nearby, (this was actually hard - as i was scarred to go out of my front door, into the world, let alone interact with people, whether i knew them or not, or even more so with people i know) but i knew it was a step i had to take,
Just going for a walk and changing your environment, one place from another can help get out of depression, chatting to a person on a bench only for a minute or so also helped me alot.
I then started to go swimming once a week. Physical exercise really helps, (especially with shutting the mind off - and getting the mind to stop with its negative thoughts is a big help in getting out of depression)
Swimming also helped because i was in an environment with other people, but there was no chatting or interaction really, if i just wanted to swim up and down i could swim up and down without even saying hello to anyone, which is what must people do, and is exactly what i wanted to do, it also helped because i was in a place where a lot more of my body was on show, then would normally be on show, the more and more i went swimming the more and more comfortable i became with my own body, and this had a positive effect on my mind and my thinking,
Eating a regular three meals a day, breakfast lunch and dinner, and doing exercise, and staying up during the day and sleeping at night, going to bed a bit earlier and waking up earlier, and getting into a routine also helped me to get out of a depressive state, i was then able to use my time becoming more and more involved with things that got me out of my own comfort zone, which was good because i find if im not stimulated somehow then it is easier for me to become depressed,
I found volunteering really helped, there's quite a lot of things you can volunteer to do, from looking after animals to working in a charity shop to working on an organic farm, or at a festival, just four hours a week can make a big difference, again i think this is because it changes your environment, gets you out of the same old ways of thinking into something new
There have been cases in the past where i would volunteer for something when i have been in a good healthy way of thinking, only to find when i was meant to go - i was suddenly anxious, scarred, or just in a depressive non-interactive with people and the world way of thinking - nowadays id just go anyway because i know this is a bit like getting butterflies in the stomach before going on stage and that when i get there actually it'll be all right or if its not, well i can see what happens and deal with it when it happens,
but in the past they'd be times when id miss appointments or wouldn't go, (this would happen with social engagements too, meeting up with friends or going out or whatever) and this is ok, some times id lie or make up an excuse, and people would be ok with that,
volunteer places might get annoyed or put out - especially if i didn't tell them the real reason was because i was in the middle of a major depressive episode - but that's ok too,
so don't worry if you attempt to do something new and it goes a bit wrong or you end up not making it due to whatever reason
there's always the opportunity to try again or try something different
and you'll find in life that some people are very understanding
in fact ive found experiencing depression, and being suicidal, has opened up a lot of doors for me and has enabled me to meet a lot of really great people, that i might otherwise not have had the opportunity to meet,
Some people will tell you to just stop feeling down, enjoy life, or to man up, or quit being such a pussy,
and for some people it is as easy as that, but for a lot of people its not that easy, and hearing responses like this doesn't really help,
unless someone else has experienced your type of depression its quite a hard thing to understand,
but there is help and support groups out there, and it is something that is really worth getting out in the open and talking to people about, and it is something that you can with little steps (or big steps if your feeling courageous change.)
Of course its an experience
and there is a rumor in the air
that the bad trips are the best
its something ive said before
although really there is no good or bad
if depression is a part of us you me and everything
it just is