My letter to Tim.

Dear Mr Burton,


My dream,

Cadburys have grown old, their ideas man has long beard, and they have not invented any new chocolate or sweets for years,

I dream many wonderful ideas, for confectionary snacks,

My first, I cannot take to Cadburys, even if I knew the way, it’s too edgy an idea, too cult, not right for a family brand like Cadburys.

This is my dream I’d like to be able to go into a shop anywhere in the world and buy a packet of sweets called “the red pill”,

But I have one big problem

“You don’t own a sweet manufacturing plant”

Ok so I have two big problems,

My original problem is, would my “the red pill” confectionary snack be like a freddo frog, in that in the bag with the name the red pill on the front you’d only find one sweet.

Or would my the red pill confectionary snack be more like smarties so in the bag with the red pill written on the front you would find 20 or so of the red pill.

Either way a “the red pill” would essentially be a giant jelly bean type snack and would be extremely tasty. So the market wouldn’t just be super culty matrix fans who want to be able to go into a shop and buy a red pill, essentially a market of one me, but people that like tasty sweets too.

I have a friend Barry, I was thinking he could be head of the Blue Pill, confectionary snack department, which we would pretend is our rival brand, but really we’d be in cahoots, similar to the whole long bearded Coke and Pepsi conspiracy thing.

Then my mate Spinky (w.o.t) can bring out the urban street version which would be exactly the same as “the red pill”, but the lettering on the bag would in places would be in gold, and his product would be called “the red pill innit” - very sweet, very street.

You may at this point be asking yourself

“Why on earth is this bean writing to me”

good question, also at this point hopefully you are eating or drinking something tasty,

Please let me explain, I asked my mate Spinky (w.o.t),

“But where can I take my dream”

Spinky replied

“To the candy man”

Who is this candy man, I tried to contact him via the mirror technique but I got a bit scared so didn’t go through with it, instead I searched all the hobo villages, and asked many a hobo with toes sticking out from their boots, whether they were the candy man all of which was to no avail,

Then one night underneath the sky I saw all the stars turn into spider’s eyes, and space spiders came and spun a cobweb from the sky to the trees, upon which read a name,

Your name,

So finally I believe that it is you who is in fact this candy man I’ve been looking for.

Although space spiders are notorious drunks so maybe they were just pulling my leg.

PARADOX SPOILER

Let’s make the red pill a reality.

Wait that’s not a paradox Doh I spoiled another paradox

Yours,
?
The riddler

No no no

Yours Faithfully
foolonthefootofamountain

If you enjoyed this letter, or are in need of something to wash the bad taste of it out of your mind, then feel free to look out for more of my work some of which but not much is far more enjoyable than a dead fish.

ps

i am a dead fish