Yippee Calloo Callay!

You have reached the foot hill of the mountains.
You are most welcome
More than worthy

Sunday, 28 February 2010

Calvin Ball.

Other kids' games are all such a bore!
They've gotta have rules and they gotta keep score!
Calvinball is better by far!
It's never the same! It's always bizarre!
You don't need a team or a referee!
You know that it's great, 'cause it's named after me!

Saturday is.

Jungle Jungle Jungle Jimgle Jungle Jungle Jungle Jimgle

Mungle Safari Massive

Saturday is on Sunday today because we and the penguins had a party on Friday.

This week we'd like to introduce to you the first ever medals moustaches banana and singing space penguins painting day, whey!

Hear the crocodile trumpets ring out,

Attention, everyone. Let the tournament of the golden arrow begin, I mean the first medals moustaches and banana singing space penguins painting day begin

Today at Safari HQ we for the first time in Saturday is history have two of each award to give out thats two medals two moustache’s two bananas and a whole heap of singing space penguins, Bubbles,

“Today’s medals moustaches and banana singing penguin paintings go to mana is a hell of a drug and CJ for kind words and being totally creeper, so hats off and scoop the poop loopey mungle sperlunk let’s hear it for that smoking accomplishment, when I say Jungle crowd go wild”,


Crowd Cheering


Yea, Dad!

Crowd Booing
Crowd Cheering


KWBL Newsflash.

You are tuned into KWBL Radio

Breaking News;

Swans wearing moustaches invade Ealing - clack clack clack ak clack

foxes begging for money in Covent Gardens - clack ak clack ak ak

And news just in – President Tummi releases his new hit albumn Bonkers.

We head live now to our correspondent in Washington Dr Matt Grirving

“That’s right Brett, our president has united up some of the world’s greatest musicians to, create this masterpiece, his words it’s going to crack the world in two, apparently that’s a good thing

for future updates on all the important global issues please stay tuned into

–thanks to all those who bought a pink invisible squirrel you helped to get me home– Ray-dee-oh.

Bob Marley Fortune Cookies.

All in one.

Bends lowly down lets me tell you

I line of feeling will calm down,

your lickin' Too hot, so calms down, very quick

After him injuries you heart then you' ll is sad,

…Feeling…Feeling …Is the blue color, felt, oh, feels, is feeling blue color

you have one kind of lonesome and quiet feeling?

invests it to feel their spirit

friend of mine has hit the street is again

mmm fortune cookies

This week we each drunk two cups of Gunpowder Tea.

Nothing is impossible.

Gunpowder Tea.

Learning is wrapped up with the surf.

The moon The sun The sea.

The moon The sun The sea

See your beauty twirling like a mushroom
butterfly skirt
floating in my dreams

I saw you in my dreams last night
so amazing the wonder makes me see

shiny fuzzy backwards people
stealing raindrops just to eat

i want to see you again in real life
touch you
where shiny sunny fuzzy people
make money from the sea

the sea
the sea
the sea

and were both more than swapping silver
Borrowed clothes and wasting time

We are everything that evers going to happen we are golden like the sun

the sun
the sun
the sun
the sun

and this mountain is just a journey
someday I will find a way

to keep on climbing, climbing learning
till the day i reach the peak

the peak
the peak
the peak

than ill jump and instead of falling
i will float to another world

where i have a spaceship and can hear the stars start calling
dont forget to bring your girl

my girl
my girl
my girl
my girl

and in the end were both flying, even landed on the moon, and we play games like leaping and a running

my brown eyed girl your blue eyed boy singing

do de do da do do do do doop
do de do da do do do do doop________

even landed were here together
just leapfrogging on the moon

the sun
the sea.

Convincing the world he doesnt exist.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled,


his finger.

Wednesday, 24 February 2010


I was dancing I was dying

Talking on the moon
Now I’m floating
When I'm flying
Swimming floating
Floating swimming
Living love in dreams

She’s got me electric rising heart ticks looking
I’m cooking in her eyes
I’m not tripping
My blood is skipping
Before I was wasting
Gently wasting
Singing about wasting time

When falling pieces
Silver pieces
Land softly on the sand
Deep life skiving
I am drowning
Sinking Waiting
Deeply wasting
Dying in the sea

Then I see her flying
Swooping diving
A kite burning across the night

She gets me feeling
No more failing
A shooting comet
That helps change the tide

Nuclear fall out
The city burning
all the radiation is love
she drops dove tailing no more failing
A falling diamond perfect like the sky

I’m wrapped in star shine floating oh her time

Instead of hanging on a lunar tick

Cos she stops me dying when I am drowning
Silver pieces shiny peaces
Picking up off the beach

And we all go missing
Wet skin fishing
It’s cool she can
Bring us back

to no more dying
hear the Moon is singing

Your shiny stepping
Ice creams making
Footprints in the sand

Now I’m flying
When I'm Dancing
Swimming flying
Floating Dancing
love in naked dreams.

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

Sunlight floats.

Sunlight floats.

Sunlight shines upon the ice
And when it melts into water
Tastes alright.

Laughter hanging from a tree
When were floating
Were not falling
I feel free.

We could live forever
Or both be dead by two
I don’t care
As long as it’s me & you.

See monkeys bouncing everywhere
It’s the just kind of worthy feeling
I love to share.

You might have no money
Think you aint got time
Well colours saint halo
Colour saint halo
Colours saint halo
Just rewind.

Sunlight shines upon the ice
when it melts into water
It’s alright.

Laughter dripping off my dreams
When im floating
im not falling

We could live forever
Or both be dead by three
I don’t care
As long as it’s you & me.

See horses bouncing everywhere
its the crazy loving feeling
i got to share

Laughter melts us like were ice
turning into water
that tastes sweet.

Sunlight drips from a dream
Floating not falling
Cos its free.

Sunlight floats like a wave,
without searching
Happy surfing to your grave.

Left her hanging
in my dreams
when im floating im not falling
i feel free

when im floating im not falling
i feel free

Sunday, 21 February 2010

Gunpowder Tea.

Gunpowder Tea.

Throw your shoes out of the window.

Saturday, 20 February 2010

Saturday is.

Jungle Jungle Jungle Jimgle Jungle Jungle Jungle Jimgle

Mungle Safari Massive

Saturday is.

This week we'd like to introduce to you the first ever medals moustaches and banana painting day, whey!

Hear the crocodile trumpets ring out,

Attention, everyone. Let the tournament of the golden arrow begin, I mean the first medals moustaches and banana painting day begin

Today at Safari HQ we only have one medal one moustache and one banana painting to be given out, Bubbles,

“Today’s medal moustache and banana painting goes to the quill for top use of the expression Sweet!, so hats off and woop de toop stoopey hunger plunk let’s hear it for that smoking accomplishment, when I say Jungle crowd go wild”,


Crowd Cheering


Yea, Dad!

Crowd Booing
Crowd Cheering


Bob Marley Fortune Cookies.

African Herbsman.

When creek retrogression perhaps the old slave person ground slowly

Why pace back and forth? Centralism

Seizes your time I' m taking' in mine brains edge illusion

The getting down loser gets down through mine life

All twinkling' Shelters Can’t saw to rise correctly.

mmm fortune cookies

Friday, 19 February 2010

Trained in Nazi death camps.

Trained in Nazi death camps.

Once when I was 12 I farted out loud on a school trip to Worth Abbey, Worth Abbey by the way is a real hot spot for monks.

We were in this quite large carpeted room and all the school kids were sat down many of who were cross legged upon the carpet floor,

I myself was sat behind everyone at the back of the room,

Well almost everyone, luckily there was this elderly priest who was sat in a chair behind me,

Looking back these events might actually have been funnier if I had been sat amongst the middle of everyone in the room and hadn't skipped beans for breakfast, total annihilation.

Anyway we were all facing this monk at the front of the room who was telling us something about bees, honey or the true meaning of life, I can't recall which.

When suddenly I think unexpectedly I emitted the loudest of farts, it was an atmospheric destroyer.

On the sound of my trumpeting fart erupting into the room,


every single kids head spun back quick as a flash. They were all dying to see who it was, that as the saying accurately goes had let rip,

I however was quick on my seat, only a split second after releasing my fart; I quickly turned back my head to look at the innocent priest who was sitting behind me

Which now meant that everybody including myself,

I hereby for the first time in the history of the Worth Abbey atmospheric destroyer incident of 1996 publically hold my hands up as the guilty farter,

Was looking at this rather bemused and increasingly embarrassed priest.

Giggles of course broke out instantly, as did shared looks between friends, some smiling, others mouths curling down in distaste,

What started as giggles soon became mass hysteria and the more everybody laughed the more the patches of red upon the innocent priests face blossomed.

I believe that priest still rues to this day the moment he crossed paths with the atmospheric destroyer.

Thank you Nazi death camp.

Oh I nearly forgot the final part of the story, any resulting smell as a consequence of the farts fall out effects would certainly be considered, the coup de grace.

This just leaves me to say in the spirit of freedom fighters all over the globe, fill your nostrils.

p.s Only fools say the devils work is never done. Big fat smiley face.

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

The banana sun.

THE banana SUN

Shocker: JT eats plantains not bananas


Electric Made Haiku.


Leaf is tail squirrel
Ice sky shitting ying yang sign
Poo drop nut shards fly.

Sunday, 14 February 2010

Perfection in pain.


Whether it is her unerring empathy or her own fragile frame, Christine Strachan has tenderly sympathised and disclosed the ache of modernity

Pain is something that grips with clenched fists. It twists and churns throughout our fibre. It sweeps across our flow of being and captures heartbeats and breath in rhythms we struggle to catch. Many endure this temporally, though in a captured moment this may not be recognised by mind or body, but as the tides of life turn, so does their attention. Eased by familiar returning rhythms, scars are quickly forgotten and mobility is restored.

But for some, sensitivity to suffering offers the detection of the magnet forces which propel us through existence. Strachan is one such sympathiser.

She walked into the car park like she was walking onto a yacht. Her fringe strategically dipped below one eye, her scarf it was apricot. She had one hand on a wing mirror as she watched me go “what?” and sing “And all the girls dreamed that they’d date your father, they’d date your father. Your in pain.”

She looked at me puzzled and I apologised hurriedly. It says a lot for the character of this woman that not only did she accept my apology but offered a story of her own mouth getting the better of her. Back before the banning of hippie folk Strachan had apparently played the fool shouting nonsense at one Devendra Banhart. He story was delivered with grace and courtesy, something she joked she lacked that night. Banhart and Strachan still follow each other on Twitter, maybe she will follow me?

We leave the car park and look for a bakery. Strachan discloses that bakeries are where she goes for inspiration. “And I pie?” I offer. She looks blank I worry that I may have offended her again, I repeat what I said knowing that this will either ruin the interview — or not.

This time she reacts, her face muscles relax and she bellows with laughter. I laugh myself, more out of relief than the standard of the joke. I am glad I didn’t mess the interview up I say a few times in my head. Strachan is still laughing.

We arrive at the bakery and Strachan is just regaining control of her speech. Still she splutters giggles as she orders a seeded bloomer. I am glad she enjoyed the joke and think of trying my luck with a bloomer related joke, but before I can devise a punch line it is my turn to order. I extend my arm point in the direction of some bread, the fact is I am allergic to wheat but am too worried not to seem cool.

Christine, as she insists I call her takes me to one of the hip places to eat bread, the park. We see a young male taunting a duck saying that the duck is unable to buy bread because it is unemployable. Christine, who is so understanding, feels both sorry for the lout and the duck, what a woman.

She begins to talk of her muse John Terry, known often as JT. JT is cast in a number of Strachan’s pieces famously on purpose missing a crucial penalty in the Champions League Final for the work “JT Crying.” She refuses to confirm or deny whether her and JT had an affair but did at this point hide behind a slice of her bloomer. She continued saying that she hopes that JT and Tone can sort out there problems and described Toni Terry as “alright.” I think that this agony aunt’s wisdom maybe just what the relationship needs.

As for up coming plans, I tell her I am interviewing Iain B Simpson from his Icelandic Painting Palace and then have a couple weeks off. I tell her that I am just going to have a stay at home holiday because of the recession and she says “oh, I see.” There is such warmth in her words it is of no surprise to me to hear Strachan called the agony aunt of agony.

Gunpowder Tea.

Gunpowder Tea.

All the ducks our swimming in the water.

KWBL Newsflash.

You are tuned into KWBL Radio

Breaking News;

New technological advances in Swan pond heating - clack clack clack ak clack

Follow foxes the new white rabbits - clack ak clack ak ak

And news just in – President Tummi is all about gummi berry juice

We head live now to our correspondent in Washington Dr Matt Grirving

“That’s right Brett, Washington D.C and soon the world is going to be going mad for President Tummi’s gummi berry juice,
Boing boing

for future updates on all the important global issues please stay tuned into

KWBL –It’s never too late when in a car to throw your shoes out of the window– Ray-dee-oh.

Saturday, 13 February 2010

Saturday is.

Jungle Jungle Jungle Jimgle Jungle Jungle Jungle Jimgle

Mungle Safari Massive

Saturday is.

This week we'd like to introduce to you the first ever medals and moustaches day, whey!

Hear the crocodile trumpets ring out,

Attention, everyone. Let the tournament of the golden arrow begin, I mean the first medals and moustaches day begin

Today at Safari HQ we only have one medal and one moustache to be given out, Bubbles,

“Today’s medal and moustache goes to ana’s the name for becoming amazed and a nice execution in extra zedd useidge, so hats off and coop de hoop loopy chunder funk let’s hear it for that smoking accomplishment, when I say Jungle crowd go wild”,


Crowd Cheering


Yea, Dad!

Crowd Booing
Crowd Cheering


Bob Marley Fortune Cookies.

Africa Unite.

The land is good, and how is pleasant it is

Cause we' In Babylon and we' Outside again movement right;

It' afters, late thinks It' in you

Unite each yard for the African.

mmm fortune cookies

Friday, 12 February 2010

Justin Hawkwinds Explanation of The Cosmos.

When hawkings gets drunk out comes his alter ego catch his views of the universe,

In your ears

Monkey and Donkey.

Look who it is it’s that donkey

who gets tricked by the monkey

One day when they were very little, Monkey saw Donkey riding on a tricycle round and round his back garden.

Monkey noticed that every so often Donkey would jump off of the tricycle and scrabble about in the mud; it appeared that Donkey was collecting up as many tiny little pebbles that he could find.

Then Donkey ran back to his tricycle and put the pebbles in a sort of exhaust pipe at the back.

More fuel for my rocket bike, good fuel for my rocket bike, Donkey Sang,

And after he piled up a load of the pebbles off he went tricycling around the garden, braying something or other about being on the bestest fastest bike in the entire universe, his so called rocket bike.

Monkey had, had enough of this, so grabbed the biggest rock he could find,

Hey Donkey, Monkey called out, you got a rocket bike right,

Yes Monkey Donkey replied, it runs on rocket fuel see, and Donkey pointed to his collection of little pebbles,

Well I will help you make it run even faster, the fastest rocket bike of them all, with my special magic rocket fuel,

Wow okay Donkey agreed,

And quick as a flash Monkey bunged the giant rock into the tricycles exhaust pipe, he made sure it was wedged in tight,

Oh no, donkey cried, I can’t put anymore of my rocket fuel in,

The rock you see had sealed the whole thing tight shut,

Which was Monkeys plan all along, he could see that Donkey was really enjoying collecting pebbles and putting them in the pipe to pretend they were rocket fuel for his rocket bike,

what better way to mess it up,

Ah well Donkey said, ill just burn up your rocket fuel and race fastest of them all,

Monkey started playing with his curly tail and stepped back to watch.

Donkey began to pedal as fast as he could, but his tricycle was going nowhere, round and round his pedals went and still no movement,

What’s going on Donkey shouted out, and started pedalling manically even faster,

He gripped the handlebars really tight, and then pop, they came off in his hands,

Oh no Donkey said, and dropped them on the floor,

He kept pedalling and then, boom

The back wheels of the tricycle fell off, and then Kapow the front wheel fell off, all that was left were the seat and peddles,

Donkey kept pedalling, until the seat fell off aswell and the pedals they got all buckled and fell off too, finally the whole of the tricycles frame just gave out and collapsed.

Donkey ended up sitting on the gardens grass, completely covered and surrounded by tricycle parts his trike had totally fallen to bits.

All that Donkey was left with was the exhaust pipe with its rocket fuel rock bunged in the back.

Eeyore Eeyore, my rocket bike, Donkey Wailed,

But Eeyore couldn’t hear Donkeys lament, as Eeyore was busy making bedroom eyes at Ermintrude from the magic roundabout over a Bolognese dinner.

That’s why all the smiling village mountain children sing

Oh Yar Yi Oh

Oh Yar Yah Eee

I am a monkey,

You are a donkey,

We are chimpanzee.

Special People.

Tamsin Fitzpatrick.

And Tamsin Fitzpatrick,
Credits where credits due,
I burnt my face on a radiator
When I fell so stupidly in love with you

Coco Pops.

The dishevelled diary of Marcel the mouse.

In dreams and in thoughts.

I constantly wish I could remember my life more ordinary.

I long to be scavenging food for the family, dodging cats, traps.

Such happy times in front of reflections, grooming my beautiful whiskers, and wondering whether they were the right size.

All gone.

Only one whisker left now, the rest, burnt, the fallout of 53, I hobble, one paw lost too, alongside of a cat


In nightmares I can see the traps jaws,

Four weeks and not a crumb of cheese, to help soothe my pains.

I lay down my head each night, the falling bombs noise fills my ears, I wish, how I wish, that the next time I open my eyes and awake, Squeak, I will find that the bombs have stopped and what’s that I hear,

It’s the sweet sound of rain drops, ill plur ell plor all around.

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

My letter to Brett.

Nope no Mr Troster

And I’m not a USB toaster either,

Although come to think of it I am quite hungry a USB toaster wouldn’t be such a bad idea right now

Nurse I need a toaster

And some bread, maybe a little butter, hell maybe a lot of butter, and while you’re at it could you plump up my pillows, well thank you sweet heart,

You’re an angel.

Wait a minute those aren’t wings, are they horns, a pitchfork!!!

A tail?

Well nursey I think i might just have got me a new hit record

Uh huh huh...

Click here for the punch line

I actually meant click below for the

Punch Line

Timber Brouge's Harpsichord.

"If there is more meaning in self satisfying cynicism, then I will take the illusion of hope. For being cynical for a sense of worth is not worth much to me."

T. Brouge.


Les spark.

A sparkling little star, how I am surprised what you are.

Up over the world crocodiles are flying, you can see diamonds in their eyes are shiny.

In the beginning was Udder.

Udder the giant space cow, the first I suppose you could call her living thing, being, to arrive as if by magic out of the nothingness.

I guess it was a bit like a rabbit out of a hat, or a mushroom out of the mud. For a long time just blackness and then suddenly magically.

Born unlike any other cow you may have encountered in your life was, Udder the giant moo cow.

Udder was never a calf. Udder arrived fully grown, bigger than any sun, bigger even than a galaxy, hard to imagine that sort of size I know.

According to Jack Kerouac there are billions more stars in the sky than there are grains of sand upon a beach.

Whatever way you picture it it's safe to say... Udder is.

Scientists upon the planet earth believe that the universe started from the big bang and that there is no such thing as God, unfortunately for them and their diligent followers, they are wrong.

Udder the space cow flew through the nothingness of space, and thought all was good, well a more truthful interpretation is that she didn't think much of anything at all, she just went Moo.

Until there came a moment when she noticed around her neck there was a bell, which went clunk clunk, as soon as it went clunk clunk...

Clunk clunk!

God appeared.

Who in fact was Goddess...

You see Goddess is a cow girl, and Goddess of course, has no idea who or what this God is that people on the Earth are praying too, that's because Goddess spends all her time looking after Udder, and can't hear people on earth's prayers over all the milk, moo's and clunk clunks.

Apparently nowadays on the Earth, there's no longer any such term as actresses, they are all known in respected circles as actors.

Strange how things go round in cycles, like rickshaws', washing machines, terminologies, goddesses turning into gods, then back to goddesses again, and this actress thing, in Shakespeare's times women would be played by men, rampant rabbits and lesbianism alas still a few centuries away.

No actresses upon Shakespeare's stage only actors, what an odd way to behave, thankfully the washing machine that is the universe is happily set to spin.

Far bigger even than udder the giant moo cow is Goddess the Cow girl, who in the nothingness of space looks after udder and keeps her safe, and every so often crouches down under udder to milk her.

A long time ago, from each of udders teat's, apart from the really hard to reach one at the back, milk flowed and turned into the vast array of galaxies,

Some of which you will get to see, and some of which you won't, unless you are one of those rare travellers, that gets to see them all,

For example the occupants of the spaceship Mother Foxx, have encountered a whole host of galaxies. Some containing vast wonderments such as Belt-shaped eruptive fountains, and open truck dismissal aero cars.

In one galaxy the Mother Foxx found there was an inter-galactic equivalent of an Earth University lecture taking place. Where no lie the topics discussed were for starters,

Sammy the Davis junior trigger money top grade lucky strike leaps, and after a short break, a discussion about the present bounds within time space continuum progresses, conducted by a man who looked remarkably like, Santa Claus.

Right this moment in the galaxy of Far Flung the big news is that the universally famous fuzzy space golf champion Junior flip flops, has retired early to begin a campaign to raise money for ex super heroes.

What a guy.

Of course many galaxies are filled with just the usual type of thing, aliens flying cars, floating rocks, trampolines, bottles of speed and sew on and sew on.

Some of the milk which flowed out of udder the giant space cow became the galaxy known as the Milky Way, inside this galaxy amongst a whole load of other junk, was a little blue and green floating ball known roundabouts as the Earth.

The Earths inhabitants usually wonderfully inventive,

For example they like to act out plays, make films, design sets, write, draw, create and are always coming up with all manner of ingenious ideas, such as money, boats or kettles, really dropped the ball on naming their planet.

The Earth, or as it's become known in urban slang the Ear TH, was so named by early inhabitants because it's mainly mud, which as well as being a poor name also turned out to be wrong.

The Ear TH is in fact mainly water, a bit like its inhabitants the human beans, who funnily enough are most closely related to not simians as previously was thought by evolutionist's, but cucumbers, who share the same water to body mass ratio of 60%.

Upon their earth the human cucumbers carry out the Earth's desires for plastic by making ton after ton of the stuff, thanks to George Carlin for that one. They also help the Earth in its desire to be rid of all the pesky oil which none of the Earth's diet plans so far have been able to shift,

If everybody, everything, every person, every creature, every plant, stopped moving, breathing, working, growing, just became still, silent and made no noise at all then you could hear, if you listened carefully and quietly, the earth talking to the moon,

"Oh moon you are so sleek and lovely, how do you do it"

.."Because I am the moon"

In fact it was the new human bean diet plan

"Shift all that unwanted oil in five simple millennia"

Given to the Earth by the moon that sparked the earth into creating humans in the first place.

There's a saying that goes, the grass is always greener on the other side, well not on the moon it's not, there's no grass.

Having the beautiful moon in such close proximity maybe explains why the Earth in its envy is striving to achieve for itself the moons more stream lined minimalistic look, you know lose a couple billion pounds, no more water no more trees.

It's funny in the year 2010 apparently a lot of humans became more worried about dwindling resources yet a sport named formula one or Grand Prix still existed,

Grand Prix was an event where a number of people would race cars, wow, cars.. woah, what a bygone age, repeatedly round and round a track for a certain number of laps.

Cars by the way, in case you didn't know, used oil as fuel, which I guess would lead you to think that a Grand Prix event would only be done by people if their oil amounts were bountiful.

That's if they had a whole lot going spare, oil you might say coming out of their ears. This was not the case but most human's attitude to the whole running out of resources thing was

"Ah well fuck it".

Which was a good attitude to take, because little did anybody know that a giant whale full of oil was soon to drop out of space and onto the earth with a crash bang,

It does make you wonder or at least makes me wonder why no-one in the crowd at a grand prix race ever shouted out

"Oi don't you know we're running out of oil".

I mean just for comedic effect it's wonderful.

It's also a wonder that people believe they are living on the Earth when in fact they could just as easily be living on the moon.

...Shafiah often wondered.

Earlier today as she showed a neighbour who lived a few doors down the road how to make chapattis, and wonderful curries filled with spices, paprika, garam masala, tomatoes, garlic, fresh ginger and a mix of long intoxicating green and red chillies she wondered whether she was awake or asleep.

In her mind she was in love with electricity.

Above everything else she loved the way the world or at least her world looked at night.

In Shafiah's eyes the day was just a warm up for night time, where everything isn't it odd how this is the opposite of the case would blossom into life.

Shafiah would wonder.

"Electric lamps on, for who?...


As she walked down the roads with not a soul in sight, amazing things basking in electric, lapping up light like lizards sitting in the sun became Shafiah's world.

An upturned wheelbarrow here, a brickworks pattern there.

"Everything is so much more beautiful at night" Shafiah decided in her head.

Then she remembered to look up.

What did she see?

A sky with a few slender wisps of cloud, all the stars and a big fat moon. Even more beautiful than what she had been looking at before.

Shafiah let herself become free, her steps began to bounce and she hung her head back as she strolled so she could gaze at the sky in wonder,

"So beautiful. So so beautiful." She whispered in awe.

Shafiah had been walking with her head hung back for so long lost in trance to the night sky's wonder, that she hadn't realised her bouncing feet had taken her all the way to the local park.

Of course she finally had to take her head out of the clouds, why I do not know, to come back down to the earth and realised in the middle of the night,

That she had walked into the middle of the big field, at the centre of the local park.

Lots of people kept away from the park at night, they were scared of all the muggers, knife attacks, aliens disguised as planes and tramps being burnt,

Shafiah was never scared, all she ever found in the park at night were her friends, or if she was alone, foxes and every so often some kids who were just hanging out.

That night Shafiah looked all around the park and saw she was alone the only person underneath the stars, she spun round and round and round until she couldn't get anymore dizzy,

Then let her head hang back so she could watch the stars the moon and sky swirl round in a natural kaleidoscope making the whole night move together like water spiralling down a plug.

"Beautiful" she said for the third time.

"Woi-Oi" Came a deep voice from above.

Shafiah jumped a little, she thought she was alone but


A man jumped out of a nearby tree, and landed with a thud feet first on the ground.
"Wow I love spinning around and looking at the stars too" the man who jumped out of the tree said,

"My names Ralph by the way"

"Shafiah" Shafiah replied politely, then paused and said,

"Err I've got to ask why the tree",

"Oh you know, I like trees, I like sleeping in trees"

Shafiah suddenly had the strongest feeling of déjà vu,

She laughed out loud,

"You like sleeping in trees, huh, nice"

"Yeah, and I love the park, especially at night all the lights I think it's,
"Beautiful" Shafiah said at the same time as Ralph.

They both looked at each other and cracked into smiles, they sat down upon the grass in the park and talked and laughed without keeping track of time, until the stars fell for those two humans who were both in love with electricity.

The stars winked their magic onto Shafiah and Ralph, and turned them both into Swans.

Choo-ka-ca-choo imagine you just got back from a restaurant woah, hi there, thanks for reading, were nearly at the end of Shafiah's story now, I hope you had something nice to eat or that there's somebody nearby with something nice to eat for you
choo-ka-ca-choo, the bill please, meanwhile,

If you yourself go down to the local park where these events took place, be in for a big surprise, for you might meet Shafiah and Ralph,

they can usually be found floating on some water, chatting in Swan language about whether the stars are in fact crocodiles, and the moon a torch which shines, and if you are really lucky or deep yourself in love with electricity, the stars may wink there magic upon you

and who knows what might happen next.

Well not Goddess that's for sure she's too busy with clunk-clunk milk and moos.
I would like to leave you beautiful reader with eyes so sparkly with that well known space proverb...

The spoon is always darker on the other side.

The End.

...Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are!
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky!

When the blazing sun is gone,
When he nothing shines upon,
Then you show your little light,
Twinkle, twinkle, all the night.

Then the traveller in the dark,
Thanks you for your tiny spark,
He could not see which way to go,
If you did not twinkle so.

In the dark blue sky you keep,
And often through my curtains peep,
For you never shut your eye,
Till the sun is in the sky.

As your bright and tiny spark,
Lights the traveller in the dark,-
Though I know not what you are,
Twinkle, twinkle, little star

...The flash, the flash, the little star, how do I want to know that any you are! Is so high above the world, likely in sky diamond!Little ASTRE glows, glows, how I am aroused curiosity what you are! On above the world as high, as a diamond in the sky!Flutter, flutter, little star, how I wonder what you are! To the top of above the so high world, like a diamond in the sky!Sparkles, a sparkling, little star, how I am surprised, what you are! Up over the world so highly, how a diamond in the sky![Astrapste], [astrapste], little star, how I wonder what you are! Above the world so much high, as a diamond in the sky!Flashing, flashing, little star, as I wonder what you are! Over on the world thus on, like a diamond in the sky!I how think certain ones in doubt, to glitter, glitter, a little the star! With respect to the world like the diamond of the sky it probably will promote, it is high!You is this and goes out and the method which tries to think, flicker and flicker, writes the star! which The diamond which is to sky up of the world is high together and side with is like this height!Twinkle, twinkle, little star, as I want to know what you are! Above the world so highly, as a diamond in the sky!Luster, luster, [menshyaya] star, as I interest than you! Upward on above to peace it is so high as diamond in the sky!Flashing, flashing, little star, how I ask myself which you are! It raises envelope of the world so arrives, as a diamond in the sky!

The real end, in a while mushroom child.

Monday, 8 February 2010

Special People.


And to Hayley or was it Hazel,
from the class 5B,
you were once so bursting
that a teeny plastic bowl in the Multi-links cupboard,
was where you took your pee,

Sunday, 7 February 2010

Check out below check out below.

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes
Calvin ball
Sweet sweet sweet...


Calvin Ball.

Other kids' games are all such a bore!
They've gotta have rules and they gotta keep score!
Calvinball is better by far!
It's never the same! It's always bizarre!
You don't need a team or a referee!
You know that it's great, 'cause it's named after me!

Look above me look above me.

Brand spanking new for the day of the sun


Bring to you

Calvin ball

crrrrr yay crrrrrrr.


Gunpowder Tea.

Gunpowder Tea.

Nothing is a real failure.

KWBL Newsflash.

You are tuned into KWBL Radio

Breaking News;

Swans disguised as lifeguards using showers at local pool - clack clack clack ak clack

Foxes begin their rebellion against mankind’s rule - clack ak clack ak ak

And news just in – Tummi is the new president of the U.S.A

We head live now to our correspondent in Washington Dr Matt Grirving

“So what’s going on Matt – Who is this Tummi?”

For future updates on all the important global issues please stay tuned into

KWBL – Guess what folks - cheese is free for today only – that’s right listeners the Earths gone over bit like a too full elevator - So start Cheese eating , were going have to burp that excess away – Ray-dee-oh.

My letter to Tarvit.

Dear Tarvit,

You may think you have outfoxed the fox,

but all it will take is

one tiny little pot of white paint a small paint brush and one freshly painted curly s for me to change the name of your house to Starvit.

Check Mate.


The Phantom address changer,

a.k.a foolonthefootofamountain.

Saturday, 6 February 2010

Bob Marley Fortune Cookies.

Four hundred years.

How long looked, and people still they can’t see.

Let’s takes the action: all inner ears a bit faster

I can see the time has come, and, if fool don't the seeing fools don’t see, fool don’t seeing.

My can’t preserves the youthful days: The youthful days are strong.

Free land there us to be possible to live - lives, and the good life is free.

How long looks: 400 years, 400 years, 400 year way too long-term!

Gives me the patience - similar philosophy. It' is 400 years, 400 years, 400 year waiting that long-term! How long? 400 are long, long years. Vanishes gradually.

mmm fortune cookies...

Saturday is.

Jungle Jungle Jungle Jimgle Jungle Jungle Jungle Jimgle

Mungle Safari Massive

Saturday is.

This week we'd like to introduce to you the first ever medals day, whey!

Hear the crocodile trumpets ring out,

Attention, everyone. Let the tournament of the golden arrow begin, I mean the first medal day begin

Today at Safari HQ we only have one medal to be given out, Bubbles,

“Today’s medal goes to manna is a hell of a drug for achievement in truly amazing backwards reading, so hats off and loop de loop Mr. wunder bars lets hear it for that smoking accomplishment, when I say Jungle all go wild”,


Crowd Cheering


Yea, Dad!

Crowd Booing
Crowd Cheering


Thursday, 4 February 2010

Special People.

Robert Coombs.

And thanks goes to Coombsy,
For getting me out that door,
We stumbled in the snow together,
Before I fell asleep upon your floor.

Coco Pops.

Professor Snoffaloffaguss's letter to Shorty the Spy.

Hey kids SS Spy training tip of the day

In order to read the letter first click it to make the text appear bigger wow that one click is like a magnifying glass,

Than grab a C.D

You can then use your C.D to uncipher the code, read the message in your C.D's reflection, enjoy!

You can also use your C.D as a mirror, a Frisbee, or as a way to attract passing ships if you are stuck on a desert island with someone you just plain don’t get along with.

For more amazing uses of a seedey check out the truly wonderful mighty bouffant episode The Nightmare of Milky Joe

staring amongst others the truly porcupine Misters Noel Fielding and Julian Barratt

special guest a whole bunch of coconuts,

Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head.

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

My letter to Kettle.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your wonderful crisps.

I think they are delicious, and would like to say a big thank you to everyone involved in their creation, production and transportation; I am so glad that they exist in this world, so truly hats off to you all.

I usually will eat them when playing cards,

in fact you might say they are my one true vice because when it comes to a packet of your crisps, I won’t stop munching until the whole packet is finished,

were talking the giant sized bags here too, not just the little ones.

In fact more often than not, I will purposely buy two giant bags of Kettle crisps, one for my friends to share and one that I can eat myself,

I really love your crisps I think they are beautiful, the packaging’s great, the taste and texture is perfect and I like the way sometimes I will find a crisp so giant in size when compared to the others,

Your crisps really are amazing.

For Christmas last year my Sister asked me what would I like as a present and I told her to get me a big bag of Kettle crisps, she did and so did my Uncle Paul, get in.

I enjoy all your flavours, but my favourite is sea salt and balsamic vinegar, which in its greatness I nickname sea salt and balls-matic vinegar,

I know this is a silly made up word, but when I say your crisps are balls matic it is meant as a term of endearment.

Once again I’d like to take the time to say thank you to everyone involved in the creation of Kettle crisps,

I would not like to imagine a world without them,

Thank you, thank you, and thank you.

All the very best,

Your very happy customer,


Eugene’s keyboard.

“Who are these people that never get a feeling from reading a book or watching a film, inside their heads must be a burning pit of anger, signposts dark and at edge with the emptiness of the world”

Eugene Kelly.

Monday, 1 February 2010

Pretty Hot.

Subject: A level History

Question: To what extent did Nicholas II bring about his own downfall in the February
Revolution (1917)?

Problem: No revision, and only three thoughts going on in my brain,

who the hell is Nicholas 2nd?

What revolution?

and why didn’t I stash my history book in the toilet like I was planning too?

Answer: Ah well just make something up and hope for the best...

Urban Dictionary definition of wanker;


Buy wanker mugs, t-shirts and magnets

Someone that thinks they're 'cool' but in reality is a total knob jockey.
A smug, satisfying real English term to call someone you intensely dislike without resorting to the word "cunt"!
He persisted on calling our game 'soccer' when it's really football. What a wanker.

Chooseday the thirst.

In the town of Toking the government had decided in its eternal wisdom, to split the population directly down the middle.

They had listened to the people, who had been making lots of noise,

the people were sick and tired of the old system, and wanted to throw down the shackles of the states there’s us and there’s wanker’s guide to living.

“We are running out of space”

“This country is becoming too crowded”

“I just wish I could eat all pies”

“There’s too many wankers”

Are just some of the sentiments that the people of Toking expressed in voice.

As one Tokings slapdash militia decided to put down the guns and pick up the pies.

Leaving government’s chief minister Lango to step up to the mike,

“Boom Shanka, what we need is a new system relevant to these modern times”

Those assembled began to chant

“Tell us, tell us Lango”

Chief government minister Lango waited for silence and then proclaimed with a voice that sounded like he had just smoked fifty blue camels and a couple of giraffes,

“I’m not even drunk Spinky, I’ve only had one pint, have you got any snout?”

“Hasn’t got any snout, no wonder he talks funny”, the people who had gathered began to whisper,

“Yes a bit like a pig crossed with a camel giraffe”, the townsfolk decided.

Let’s hope chief minister Lango never reads this, that shouldn’t be too much of a problem he’s blind, the history of Toking has yet to be released in Braille and hes not an exam marker.

Lango continued with his speech,

“But by the great guitar playing of Eric Clapton, who as you all know was a far more accomplished guitar player than Jimmy Hendrix, I have a plan”

What was Langos plan?

Lango in his unfound wisdom decided, that he would split the population of Toking in two, he was pretty clever that Lango, instead of there being us and wankers, he decided there would be day people and night people.

The night people would sleep during the day and only come out at night, and the day people would sleep during the night and only come out during the day.

At first there was resistance to Langos idea but soon everybody came round to the whole thing, it’s amazing what free tea and biscuits can do.

Just ask those vampires who go round in vans collecting blood.

In fact the new system really had some great perks

The size of schools cachement areas doubled.

Midnight cricket something you don’t get to see everyday made a sterling comeback.

And of course everywhere was less crowded there being only half the people about.

Chief minister Lango was so impressed with the way his idea had panned out, that he came up with a motto that ever since has gone down in Toking history,

“It’s nice to give new things a go”

Which is inscribed on the camel shaped giraffe statue dedicated to Chief government minister Lango, that you can find in the courtyard of Toking castle, all voluntary donations go to guide dogs for the blind and they do a lovely ice bun too.

Shortly after coming up with the motto, in fact exactly one week after, Lango resigned his governmental position, and ran of with his flower child girl friend, to join an “alligators don’t growl” protest march in Ibiza.

He left in his stead his foghorn, a foghorn in Toking means a deputy, which in Toking is the safest government position of them all to hold on Karaoke night.

The new chief government minister of Toking was the ex foghorn Spinky.

Now Spinky who was a notorious sex pest and a bit of a bastard who should have kept his mouth shut, liked to have things pretty hot.

Which is why he always put extra extra amounts of pepper on anything he ate, even his cornflakes, sometimes he’d just crush pepper directly onto his tongue.

Spinky was one of the night people and in his infinite sauciness; he decided that what the night people needed was a nurse.

So he decided to conduct some interviews with the women of the night in Toking town.

One of Goverment chief minister Spinky’s first policies was to take down all the missing cat posters in Toking and replace them with his advertisement for a night nurse which read

The perfect night nurse will be good at her job, wear the uniform properly, she will like jungle, she will be as hot as the sauce, she will turn up to the interview with a nice pear.

The advertisement ended with Shoes question mark.

It was without question that only ladies of the night need apply.

Speaking of shoes it was a little bit like the day when all the ladies of that far away kingdom turned up to see if there foot would fit the shoe, so that they could marry the prince.

On that day only one foot fit the shoe and that turned out to be the foot of princess Cinderella or cinders for short.

Just like in the famous case of the glass slipper, it seemed that pretty much every single lady of the night in Toking town fancied their chances at being the night nur er urse.

The queue of ladies was so big that it backed out of Spinkys interview room and went all around the street.

Every lady was dressed as a nurse, but some had forgotten to bring along a nice pear.

Chief government minister Spinky skanked up and down the line, I remember the day was pretty hot, now Spinky could tell just by looking which nurses where wearing the uniform properly, he had good eyes, which he inherited from his uncle Arthur, and with a swift slap on the ass pow-pow he sent home all the nurses that weren’t wearing their uniforms properly.

“Back to bed with you” were his exact words which I made a note of at the time.

Spinkys advertisement asked for the applicants to be into Jungle, so to see how many of the remaining ladies were Junglists.

He played a can you tell me the next lyric game with them, which I do not recommend you try on omegle.

“You and me - me and you!
We haffi brock a smile and don't bother screw.
This one dedicated to all junglist crew,
we haffi get lively inna de venue! We bawl ...

Only ten of the night nur er urse candidates replied correctly,

“Junglist are you ready Oh lord hav mercy”

Thus passing the unique selection process.

Wicked get in.

As previously mentioned Spinky liked things pretty hot, so now we reach the stage where he pulled out his bottle of

Spinkys special hotter than Liz Hurley sauce,

Damn what did he put in it,

For the good people of Toking let it show that Spinkys special hotter than Liz Hurley sauce contains;

fresh tomatoes, peppers, one green, one red, half a yellow, one whole large red chilli, a tin of chopped up basil and tomato sauce, one large or maybe two carrots which should have gone in a bit earlier, for the hotness, lots of peper, ginger, cayenne pepper, cumin, think sexy thoughts, a fair bit of coriander leaf, and some mixed Italian herbs,

Note to reader; Spinky has a special cooking technique which is pretty damn tooting. Whenever simmering any food on a pot, he likes to chuck in a rubber ducky, when asked most soup eaters found this method of cooking much more delicious than stone.

In the hunt to find the night nurse only ten ladies remained. Each took it in turn to try Spinky’s special hotter than Liz Hurley sauce.

The first exploded into flames, and left nothing but a pair of white smoking stilettos.

The second nurse became so hot she melted like an ice cream in the sun.

The third lady was not a lady she was a man, a man who needed two fish maybe his name was Brian.

The fourth lady ran around screaming,

“My thong ith on thire”,she uttered

let the records show that it is held in general opinion that she meant to say

“My tongue is on fire”.

The fifth lady said,

“Oh that wasn’t so hot!”Before fainting backwards onto the floor.

The sixth ladies brain became so frazzled by the hotness that she declared, “I’m off to live on a pirate boat and sell rum upon the high seas. This is a shame because I would have quite liked number six to have been my new night nurse.

The seventh ladies eyes popped out of her head and landed into her hands she died but not before saying “I need bread people”


Lady number eight got so hot that she took of all her clothes and booked a one ticket to nellyville.

The ninth lady liked the hotness of the sauce, it was like a fire of creativity for her brain,

“Why are monkeys always losing their keys”

She asked Spinky

Who let the records show held an expression of dumbfoundment

“I dunno” Replied Spinky

“wicked wicked Because Da Junglist Massive”

What a punch line, straight in the chops, and she decided that she didn’t want to be a nightnurse after all, and left to set up the first ever improv Junglist stand up show in Toking, which she named Looly in the ghan.

This only left cosmic lady number ten. Who took a sip of the sauce, and got hot, really hot, her tied up hair fell down, and her voice became posher and posher until she spoke in a real posh English accent, in fact like the label said on the sauces bottle she became hotter than Liz Hurley.

“Cash-back Jesus Christ mother fucker super star” Spinky exclamied.

“Tanfastic, and youve even got a nice pear, big and juicy let’s have a bite.”

Amazing, it appeared that chief government minister Spinky had chosen the night nurse for Toking Town,


What shoes?

Did Spinky forget to check the shoes?

Please stop what your writing and put your pens down


Special People.

Franzesca Zanker.

And to Franzesca Zanker
Fleur de les Terre
We talked underneath the moon
About many things so beautiful
That I made this name for you,

Monkey and Donkey.

Look who it is it’s that donkey

Who gets tricked by the monkey

One day Donkey took a friend to go and see the Star Wars the Phantom menace film at the local flicks.

Donkey loved going to the flicks and eating as many sweets as possible.

After the film Donkey was full of energy and excitement,

Eeyore Eeyore that was so good Donkey brayed,

but Eeyore couldn’t hear Donkey as he was too busy hunting round charity shops in search for a new ribbon.

Donkey started acting out parts of the film, and his friend red squirrel, joined in.

It wasn’t long before they were pretending to have light saber battles and were making all sorts of noises.

Whum whum Donkey and red squirrel went; they were really enjoying pretending to battle each other with light sabres.

If only we had some real light sabres Donkey Lamented

We can buy some at Toys R us red squirrel chipped in.

So for the next four weeks every time Donkey or red squirrel came upon a sofa whether it was at a house or in a shop, at a school or in a pub, they took off all the sofas cushions and raided it for sofa change.

We should take all the money out of the fountain in the town square too Said the red squirrel

No Replied Donkey sternly,

Have you never seen the Goonies, those might be peoples wishes

Maybe there wish was for us to have all their money the red squirrel continued

Which fell upon death ears, Donkey was having none of it.

Although Donkey would thieve the money from a sofa at a house party he was known to take the moral high ground from time to time.

Especially when it came to wishes, this might have something to do with the fact that Donkey once fell afoul of a genie but that’s a story for another time.

After another two weeks of Sofa raiding, and a particular lucky day in a Clerks shoe store, Donkey and the Red squirrel had managed to gather together £15.98p

Which was exactly enough money to buy two light sabres from the local Toys R Us.

If Donkey had a computer they perhaps would have bought the light sabres on eBay a little bit cheaper, but Donkeys are notorious technophobes.

It took Donkey and red squirrel six weeks to club together enough money to buy the light sabres and all that time they had been talking of nothing else but the impending battle, about which they were both feverishly excited.

Oh who hasn’t been in the story so far that’s right Monkey.

Monkey overheard Donkey and red squirrel talking about how excited they were about having a light sabre battle, which was easy enough they’d been talking of little else, so he suggested to them why not have the battle on top of the roof of the house.

Up in the sky balancing on a roof fighting each other upon a roof it’s the only fitting place to have your amazing battle, sang monkey,

and he convinced Donkey and red squirrel that the roof was indeed the only place for their fight.

So after leaving Toys R us and discarding all the packaging the two friends who were about to become foes, Donkey and red squirrel rushed up onto the roof light sabres in hand and began their epic battle.

Meanwhile Monkey ran over the road to an antiques shop which was owned by a man named Keith Barrett.

Hey Mr Barrett, Mr Barrett Monkey called

Look up there on the roof, what’s going on and he pointed up to the roof.

Mr Keith Barrett couldn’t believe his eyes, up on the roof moving very fast and dodging and a jumping and stepping this way and that were Donkey and red squirrel bashing seven shades of hell out of each other with light sabres.

My Goodness Keith Barret the antiques dealer exclaimed

And he ran straight across the road ignoring all the oncoming traffic which in fact was nonexistent seeing as this is a story I’m creating out of the top of my head and I’ve decided there shall be no cars oh alright maybe just one


Keith Barrett shook his fist angrily at the beeping car which had already sped off and then knocked upon the door of the house on top of which the light sabre battle was taking place.

Whilst Mr Keith Barrett was dodging the car and knocking on the front door Monkey had slipped through the back and climbed up the stairs all the way to the top of the house,

He opened the door to the room at the top then called out of a window to the two combatants on top of the roof,

Quick you’ve been spotted, come down or you’re going to get in trouble

Well Donkey and red squirrel didn’t like the sound of that, they stopped battling at once and began to get scared,

Oh no Donkey cried I don’t want to get in trouble.

There there said monkey

Don’t you worry your fuzzy head, I’ve got an idea, I’ve never been in trouble with old man mango before, in fact you’re the only one he likes to beat with his belt

That’s true whispered donkey with another sob

So, Monkey said, I’ll just take all the blame don’t you worry about anything ill take all the blame

Wow what a great friend Donkey and red squirrel both thought.

A mighty roar erupted from the bottom of the house; it was old man mango shouting in anger.

Keith Barrett had obviously told old man mango that he had seen a light sabre battle going on, on top of the roof, and old man mango was not happy.

Messing about on the roof, wait till I gets my belt on them.

Thump thump thump!

His footsteps where coming up to the top of the house.

Monkey slipped out of the door which made a long creak and pattered down the stairs to meet old man mango,

Good friend monkey both red squirrel and donkey thought as they listened in silence

Patter patter patter...

They could hear monkeys footsteps as he ran down the stairs to greet old man mango.

Monkey! Old man mango shouted, belt in hand, what’s going on?

Oh right, yeah it was Donkey and Red squirrel it had nothing to do with me, it was all the other two, and yep, I had nothing to do with it”

Patter patter patter...

Monkeys footsteps continued down the stairs, and then Click! Slam!, he opened the front door slammed it shut and made good his escape.

Donkey and red squirrel turned to each other, they hid the light sabres behind their backs, and said


Old man mango had reached the top of the house and the handle on the room’s door began to turn.

Monkey who by now was far away from the sounds of a belt beating bought himself a packet of strawberry laces from the shop at the end of the road and grinned from ear to ear.

He had set the whole thing up, he even gave George Lucas the idea for light sabres in the first place just so that he could trick Donkey into getting another lashing with old man mangos belt and it had all gone swimmingly.

That’s why all the smiling village mountain children sing

Oh Yar Yi Oh

Oh Yar Yah Eee

I am a monkey,

You are a donkey,

We are chimpanzee.