Pretty Hot.

Subject: A level History

Question: To what extent did Nicholas II bring about his own downfall in the February
Revolution (1917)?

Problem: No revision, and only three thoughts going on in my brain,

who the hell is Nicholas 2nd?

What revolution?

and why didn’t I stash my history book in the toilet like I was planning too?

Answer: Ah well just make something up and hope for the best...





Urban Dictionary definition of wanker;

Wanker

Buy wanker mugs, t-shirts and magnets

Someone that thinks they're 'cool' but in reality is a total knob jockey.
A smug, satisfying real English term to call someone you intensely dislike without resorting to the word "cunt"!
He persisted on calling our game 'soccer' when it's really football. What a wanker.



Chooseday the thirst.

In the town of Toking the government had decided in its eternal wisdom, to split the population directly down the middle.

They had listened to the people, who had been making lots of noise,

the people were sick and tired of the old system, and wanted to throw down the shackles of the states there’s us and there’s wanker’s guide to living.

“We are running out of space”

“This country is becoming too crowded”

“I just wish I could eat all pies”

“There’s too many wankers”

Are just some of the sentiments that the people of Toking expressed in voice.

As one Tokings slapdash militia decided to put down the guns and pick up the pies.

Leaving government’s chief minister Lango to step up to the mike,

“Boom Shanka, what we need is a new system relevant to these modern times”

Those assembled began to chant

“Tell us, tell us Lango”

Chief government minister Lango waited for silence and then proclaimed with a voice that sounded like he had just smoked fifty blue camels and a couple of giraffes,

“I’m not even drunk Spinky, I’ve only had one pint, have you got any snout?”

“Hasn’t got any snout, no wonder he talks funny”, the people who had gathered began to whisper,

“Yes a bit like a pig crossed with a camel giraffe”, the townsfolk decided.

Let’s hope chief minister Lango never reads this, that shouldn’t be too much of a problem he’s blind, the history of Toking has yet to be released in Braille and hes not an exam marker.

Lango continued with his speech,

“But by the great guitar playing of Eric Clapton, who as you all know was a far more accomplished guitar player than Jimmy Hendrix, I have a plan”

What was Langos plan?

Lango in his unfound wisdom decided, that he would split the population of Toking in two, he was pretty clever that Lango, instead of there being us and wankers, he decided there would be day people and night people.

The night people would sleep during the day and only come out at night, and the day people would sleep during the night and only come out during the day.

At first there was resistance to Langos idea but soon everybody came round to the whole thing, it’s amazing what free tea and biscuits can do.

Just ask those vampires who go round in vans collecting blood.

In fact the new system really had some great perks

The size of schools cachement areas doubled.

Midnight cricket something you don’t get to see everyday made a sterling comeback.

And of course everywhere was less crowded there being only half the people about.

Chief minister Lango was so impressed with the way his idea had panned out, that he came up with a motto that ever since has gone down in Toking history,

“It’s nice to give new things a go”

Which is inscribed on the camel shaped giraffe statue dedicated to Chief government minister Lango, that you can find in the courtyard of Toking castle, all voluntary donations go to guide dogs for the blind and they do a lovely ice bun too.

Shortly after coming up with the motto, in fact exactly one week after, Lango resigned his governmental position, and ran of with his flower child girl friend, to join an “alligators don’t growl” protest march in Ibiza.

He left in his stead his foghorn, a foghorn in Toking means a deputy, which in Toking is the safest government position of them all to hold on Karaoke night.

The new chief government minister of Toking was the ex foghorn Spinky.

Now Spinky who was a notorious sex pest and a bit of a bastard who should have kept his mouth shut, liked to have things pretty hot.

Which is why he always put extra extra amounts of pepper on anything he ate, even his cornflakes, sometimes he’d just crush pepper directly onto his tongue.

Spinky was one of the night people and in his infinite sauciness; he decided that what the night people needed was a nurse.

So he decided to conduct some interviews with the women of the night in Toking town.

One of Goverment chief minister Spinky’s first policies was to take down all the missing cat posters in Toking and replace them with his advertisement for a night nurse which read

The perfect night nurse will be good at her job, wear the uniform properly, she will like jungle, she will be as hot as the sauce, she will turn up to the interview with a nice pear.

The advertisement ended with Shoes question mark.

It was without question that only ladies of the night need apply.

Speaking of shoes it was a little bit like the day when all the ladies of that far away kingdom turned up to see if there foot would fit the shoe, so that they could marry the prince.

On that day only one foot fit the shoe and that turned out to be the foot of princess Cinderella or cinders for short.

Just like in the famous case of the glass slipper, it seemed that pretty much every single lady of the night in Toking town fancied their chances at being the night nur er urse.

The queue of ladies was so big that it backed out of Spinkys interview room and went all around the street.

Every lady was dressed as a nurse, but some had forgotten to bring along a nice pear.

Chief government minister Spinky skanked up and down the line, I remember the day was pretty hot, now Spinky could tell just by looking which nurses where wearing the uniform properly, he had good eyes, which he inherited from his uncle Arthur, and with a swift slap on the ass pow-pow he sent home all the nurses that weren’t wearing their uniforms properly.

“Back to bed with you” were his exact words which I made a note of at the time.

Spinkys advertisement asked for the applicants to be into Jungle, so to see how many of the remaining ladies were Junglists.

He played a can you tell me the next lyric game with them, which I do not recommend you try on omegle.

“You and me - me and you!
We haffi brock a smile and don't bother screw.
This one dedicated to all junglist crew,
we haffi get lively inna de venue! We bawl ...

Only ten of the night nur er urse candidates replied correctly,

“Junglist are you ready Oh lord hav mercy”

Thus passing the unique selection process.

Wicked get in.

As previously mentioned Spinky liked things pretty hot, so now we reach the stage where he pulled out his bottle of

Spinkys special hotter than Liz Hurley sauce,

Damn what did he put in it,

For the good people of Toking let it show that Spinkys special hotter than Liz Hurley sauce contains;

fresh tomatoes, peppers, one green, one red, half a yellow, one whole large red chilli, a tin of chopped up basil and tomato sauce, one large or maybe two carrots which should have gone in a bit earlier, for the hotness, lots of peper, ginger, cayenne pepper, cumin, think sexy thoughts, a fair bit of coriander leaf, and some mixed Italian herbs,

Note to reader; Spinky has a special cooking technique which is pretty damn tooting. Whenever simmering any food on a pot, he likes to chuck in a rubber ducky, when asked most soup eaters found this method of cooking much more delicious than stone.

In the hunt to find the night nurse only ten ladies remained. Each took it in turn to try Spinky’s special hotter than Liz Hurley sauce.

The first exploded into flames, and left nothing but a pair of white smoking stilettos.

The second nurse became so hot she melted like an ice cream in the sun.

The third lady was not a lady she was a man, a man who needed two fish maybe his name was Brian.

The fourth lady ran around screaming,

“My thong ith on thire”,she uttered

let the records show that it is held in general opinion that she meant to say

“My tongue is on fire”.

The fifth lady said,

“Oh that wasn’t so hot!”Before fainting backwards onto the floor.

The sixth ladies brain became so frazzled by the hotness that she declared, “I’m off to live on a pirate boat and sell rum upon the high seas. This is a shame because I would have quite liked number six to have been my new night nurse.

The seventh ladies eyes popped out of her head and landed into her hands she died but not before saying “I need bread people”

Madness.

Lady number eight got so hot that she took of all her clothes and booked a one ticket to nellyville.

The ninth lady liked the hotness of the sauce, it was like a fire of creativity for her brain,

“Why are monkeys always losing their keys”

She asked Spinky

Who let the records show held an expression of dumbfoundment

“I dunno” Replied Spinky

“wicked wicked Because Da Junglist Massive”

What a punch line, straight in the chops, and she decided that she didn’t want to be a nightnurse after all, and left to set up the first ever improv Junglist stand up show in Toking, which she named Looly in the ghan.

This only left cosmic lady number ten. Who took a sip of the sauce, and got hot, really hot, her tied up hair fell down, and her voice became posher and posher until she spoke in a real posh English accent, in fact like the label said on the sauces bottle she became hotter than Liz Hurley.

“Cash-back Jesus Christ mother fucker super star” Spinky exclamied.

“Tanfastic, and youve even got a nice pear, big and juicy let’s have a bite.”

Amazing, it appeared that chief government minister Spinky had chosen the night nurse for Toking Town,

Shoes?

What shoes?

Did Spinky forget to check the shoes?

Please stop what your writing and put your pens down -

sheeat...