Bingo.

Bingo

For ages 6-100.

This is a ridiculous play you can act out for your family and friend’s horror or amusement (depending on how they take it.)

You will need a stage.

Examples of a stage could be the floor in front of a sofa, a bit of a garden, if the windowsill is wide enough then perhaps behind a curtain, if you are daring you could perform the play at your local park or bandstand, I do not recommend performing the play in a library, anyway choice of stage is up to you.

You will also need an audience, this could be your mum, dad, brother, sister, friends, extenuated family, townsfolk at the library or complete strangers.

A pet or soft toy such as a teddy bear will do if you can’t find any people who want to join in, the audience can be as small (an audience of one is fine) or as large as you like.

Warn the audience before the play that they will be expected to participate.

Whoever’s playing Max should tell them about this conspiratorially. The audience has a one word line to use, when Max asks, “how did he smell?” The audience is supposed to shout out Dreadful! Even if they are a teddy bear.

You will need two players.

One to play Sam and one to play Max.

Sam is very sombre throughout almost detached, and not too bothered about engaging the audience. Sam speaks slowly.

Max is the opposite, cheeky, exited, directs most of his lines directly to the audience as if there in on a big joke.
Max is a joker. Sam a bit more serious.

Props.

A piece of candy rock (optional)
A brick
A piece of long string.

If Sam could have a piece of candy rock disclosed about his or her person, the inside pocket of a jacket would be perfect, then excellent if not, that’s ok.
This is important; Hidden from the audiences view behind Max’s legs should be a brick.
One end of the piece of long string should be tied round the brick, Max holds the other end in his or her hand or hands visibly. You can use something else other than Max’s legs to hide the brick if this proves too difficult a task.

The play is called Bingo and here is the script. Those of a faint heart be warned (it is shockingly terrible and full of clangers.)
Remember Sam speaks slowly.

Bingo

Sam: Bingo was my best friends dog
he didn't have no legs
he didn't have no furry coat
he didn't have a head
he didn't have no shiny nose

Max: how did he smell?

Audience: Dreadful!

Sam: Or a wonker wagging tail
he didn’t have no pointy ears
or curvy little teeth
didn't have no smelly breath
coz he didn’t have to eat

Max: except dust

Sam: Still
he had his friends
he had his walks
and he had his bowl
and he had a lot of love
a very shiny soul
he had the time he broke marks foot
and the time he turned into a phone

Still Sam: happy memories of my best friends dog
may he rest in piece

Max: shall I have one piece or two

Sam( turning to Max): shhhh show some respect

Max: it all depends on how much I’ve had to drink

Sam: bingos gone to another place now
somewhere far away

Max: what happened?

Sam: (suddenly speaking faster and with more enthusiasm) he was knocked on the noggin
smashed over the head
taken unconscious
then drowned in cement

Max: knocked on the noggin?
Sam: smashed over the head
Max: taken unconscious?
Sam: to be drowned in cement

Sam: (Back to speaking slowly) alas he was impressed by a trowel
the filthy gang took him
then laid him out
with all the others
whose names I do not know

Max (singing): B, I, N, G, O

Sam: apparently it’s all for the greater good
there building some wall in the far away land
for an egg to fall off
still doesn't stop me shedding a tear now and again
for bingo

Sam again: he was a brick my best friends dog
a real brick

Max: do you ever go and see him?

Sam: yeah I pay him a visit every now and then
but it’s not the same
he’s lifeless
the press gang really got to him
no expression no energy no drive
I tell him what everyone's been up to and all that

Max: it must feel like you’re talking to a brick wall

Sam: yeah it does a bit

Max: a bit off the wall

Sam: I miss him I miss the way he’d sometimes roll over

Max: so is Tommie going to get another dog?

Sam: I think maybe he’s going to get a rock

Max: a rock I heard there dangerous

Sam: its cats that are dangerous rocks are pretty steady dependable you know like on an island

Max: sweet

Sam: well there not so good for your teeth.


Sam and Max exit – Sam go first and if possible take out a piece of rock from the inside pocket of a jacket and take a bite keep walking until youve left the stage (or are out of the audiences view, you could even join the audience), Max follow behind Sam, but don't leave the stage, walk until the piece of string in your hands goes taunt and the brick is revealed to the audience, by now Sam should have left the stage, Max stop walking when the string goes taunt (cut the string before tieing it round the brick to a desired length so that only have to walk a couple of steps before it goes taunt), looks over your shoulder so as to talk to the brick,

Max: Come on boy

Max: (Do a whistle as if calling a dog)

Then carry on walking dragging the brick behind you until both you and the brick have left the stage.

The End

Return to rapturous applause, bow curtsy whatever, and don't forget to introduce the star of the show, the Brick, which you can make do a bow too.

PS
“the time he turned into a phone”
Is based on a certain type of mobile phone being called a brick.
If you want you can draw a number pad and an aerial like a mobile phones onto your brick with chalk and involve this into the BINGO play or any subsequent Sam and Max plays that you do. I have yet to incorporate this myself, but feel there is the opportunity to do so. If you do act out the play yourself, hats off for your bravery, I also applaud your adventurous spirit, please feel free to adapt any of the lines you so wish, in fact the more lines you adapt the better, because then you'll have probably come up with something completely different which would then be safe to perform in front of other members of the human race (or teddy bears)
All the best.
Sam.
PPS Has anyone seen my parrot? Nibbles! Nibbles!